


like a stove, i'll turn my love down

by ddeungyoon



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, a bit of smut, but ok, im sad, kinda angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 09:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6606250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddeungyoon/pseuds/ddeungyoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon doesn't have to love Ryan, he already did. </p>
<p>Or, Ryan and the way he fixes or ends something. <br/>Or, well, he messed up again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	like a stove, i'll turn my love down

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Lonely Moonlight while reading Ryan's old journal and this just came into my head. I'm sorry. 
> 
> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Enjoy :^)

Sometimes, Ryan likes to disguise. Covers himself with stuffs that are able to make him look different, goes unnoticed just like he was before—way before. Before the _before_.

Sometimes, Ryan walks pass Brendon while disguising. Brendon is and always has been like a sun; he’s shining and sparkling and just so, so bright. Back then, Ryan didn’t even know how to tell if Brendon was mad or sad or any other emotions because he was just… bright. Like if you were standing in a room full of strangers and if you were Ryan Ross, you’d put yourself in the corner, curled like a ball and little but then Brendon would come in and suddenly, you befriended everyone. It takes a video or two to realize that Brendon is still the same person as he was back then and Ryan wonders if he can press away all his emotions while answering questions about things he really doesn’t want to remember like Brendon did.

The thing is, Ryan’s senses grown up along with him and whenever he sees Brendon in an interview talking about the split, talking about Ryan, talking about Jon—but then again, Ryan—he’s able to grasp something. It’s invisible, but it’s there and Ryan’s sensing it from the way Brendon laughs shorten, his smiles falter fast even though he tries hard to keep them intact, his eyes scattering around to escape eye contact with camera or the interviewer’s eyes because those eyes hold truth better than his mouth and he, Ryan assumes, doesn’t want the truth to fly away for people to see. It’s there and something tugs at Ryan’s chest, something like sadness but not quite likely and Ryan thinks it’s what people call guilty.

Ryan is, as Spencer used to put it, the type of person that always goes for trial and error and later wallows himself in regret and self-pity. He knows this himself. As a kid, Ryan was adventurous and he had to try everything and everything means Spencer had to be the part of it because Spencer was everything. His best friend he held close dearly although it doesn’t seem like it now, judging by the amount of pictures Spencer has with Brendon and how close and oh, how it’s always been _them_. But Ryan loves Brendon and he thinks he heard the phrase that if you love someone, you share your happiness with them back, back before. Spencer was his best friend, the source of dozen of his happiness and he doesn’t mind sharing with Brendon. Besides, he doesn’t know what to left Brendon with.  Ryan used to make bad decisions and it’s always happened but, hey, things are worth a try, right?

So, one day he goes without disguise, striding down the path he’s always walked down in order to pass Brendon—because everything before happened with a plan, because he missed him but Ryan has always had this big annoying pride within himself to actually stop him and talk or even send a _hi, how are you?_ to Brendon’s phone. But today, he thinks, he’ll throw away that annoying pride—or, maybe not throwing it away because he’ll need it later. So there is Brendon. Ryan knows he’s noticed Ryan from afar, he knows from the way Brendon’s steady steps slowing a little and how Brendon tries not to look and his palms go clenched and unclenched and Ryan wonders if he has to cancel his plan, his pride has started to creep from the edge of his shoes. But Ryan kicks them away and—

“Brendon,” he says.

“Ryan,” Brendon replies with the same exact tone and Ryan hesitates. He’s not used to this—to the atmosphere enveloping them, to the awkwardness. With Brendon has never been awkward—used to, at least. Because Brendon is a sun and he was the one who taught Ryan that he could always find a light in the darkness and Ryan can mildly remembers how he told Brendon that _he_ was the light Ryan sought for. But it’s here now, standing between them in the obvious gap, laughing at Ryan along with his pride that feels betrayed and Ryan can’t just avoid the awkwardness with a wave of hand and ask “how are you?” now can he?

 

-

 

Somehow, they end up in a cheap motel room with Ryan presses into Brendon as he pulls him by the neck. They kiss roughly, sloppily and Ryan can taste anger and love and a fiery _I missed you_ in Brendon’s tongue. Neither of them are the small guys anymore and when Ryan straddles Brendon’s hips, his name escapes  Brendon’s lips roughly and Ryan shushes him with a kiss and a quiet “it’s okay, it’s okay”.

Ryan thrusts into him bare and almost dry if only Brendon didn’t suck him before. Brendon cries out something close to Ryan’s name, throwing his head back and Ryan can’t help but stares at his neck and thinks Brendon is so, so pale and he doesn’t know what he’s expected when he licks Brendon’s neck but he imagined white chocolate and every other sweets, but then again, it’s Brendon so it’s okay.

Brendon chants Ryan’s name and it sounds so… lewd, but there’s another thing in it, an unexplainable emotions that maybe has been there after _that_. After _the_ before. Ryan doesn’t want to know what _this_ means but he knows very well that this is not another start, just an alternative way to properly ends everything between them. He knows he can’t probably speak as clear, but he needs those words to come out right _there_. So Ryan pins Brendon’s hands with his, thrust harder and sharper and starts with voice creaks, “Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath.”

He kisses Brendon’s earlobe, neck, nibbles at his collarbone and Brendon whines—and Ryan knows it’s not because of the way his mouth is teasing his skin, but the words, and he wonders if Brendon still remember them. “This is why I walk to the ocean, swim with jellyfish…” He trails his tongue on Brendon’s chest, stopping to bite on his nipple and he can feel Brendon’s hands struggle to set themselves free, “I may never get this chance again.”

This time, Ryan’s thrust slowing and he leans away to look down at Brendon and thinks _look at the mess you once again manage to make_. He lets go of Brendon’s hands and holds his hips instead while Brendon cups his face, wanting him to inch closer but he shakes his head. “This is why if you want to kiss,” he lets Brendon guides their lips to meet and he kisses short, but doesn’t pull away, “You should kiss.” Brendon closes his eyes and gasps when Ryan starts to picks up his pace again, and he’s on the edge that it’s hurt. Ryan reaches between them, bringing Brendon completely to the edge and comes after him.

He doesn’t pull out yet, staring down at Brendon’s face and thinks he’s beautiful. He cups Brendon’s cheek with a hand, while the other one is on the mattress beneath them to support him still. “If you want to cry, you should cry. And if you want to live,” Ryan gives a slight pause on that, stroking his thumb on Brendon’s cheek and feels him leans into Ryan’s touch, “You should live.”

Brendon doesn’t say anything, but his eyes say something like broken heart and sorrow and a complicated grief though not quite likely. Suddenly, Ryan feels so, so tired and he collapses into Brendon’s chest, burying his face there and lets Brendon wraps his hands around him. “You don’t have to love me, you already did,” his voice creaks when he says it and it’s almost as if he can hear Brendon squeezing his eyes shut as to prevents himself from crying and Ryan’s chest is aching.

 

-

 

When he wakes up, it doesn’t take him five minutes to figure out that Brendon’s left and it’s kind of, well, hurt. But at least Brendon didn’t leave him without tucking him into the sheet first, which Ryan is grateful for. He dresses up and is ready to leave the motel when he finds a note on the bed and he silently curses Brendon because, duh, who puts a note on the bed? Ryan could’ve not found it. He takes it and recognizes Brendon’s handwriting: _At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia._

Ryan’s smile hurts as he exits the room.


End file.
